Miso Fat

I don't want to be the one who is strong, who can do everything, who is stubborn, who knows it all. I want to be the sponge, to know nothing, to be rational, to think before speaking because otherwise, my words mean nothing. My words mean nothing if I am biased, if they are uncalculated, if they are illogical and yet unyielding.

I'll admit that I'm jealous of W and M's platonic relationship, founded on so much trust. When did envy creep into my heart? It's been hampering my vision, the ability to see that I was trying to have something they did, even when I could not. I imagined that I could have had the same, but truth be told, it was never a possibility.

But I guess, everything just boils down to the fact that I have noone to confide in, noone to trust like they do each other. Sigh...

Anyway, back to reality. I went for ballet today, only to discover how shitty a state my body is in right now. My core muscles are non-existent, my flexibility is zero, my turn out is negative.. Hahaha. Strength? What strength? I don't feel like going back, man. But there are arguments both for and against returning to Jitterbugs. SO MUCH FOR STUDYING DANCE AFTER I GRAD. KAPUT! Should never have stopped dancing. Pfft. AND AND AND, I FEEL SO FAT, but only because of my junior whom I suspect might not be eating very healthily.. Or conversely, too healthily.... If you know what I mean. Quite scary. Meep.

Had Thai Express for dinner today.. Finally satisfied my soft shell crab curry rice and tom yum (seafood) soup craving. Quite a funny incident: the wait staff who came to take our order asked my girlfriend and I if we were local. My girlfriend said, "Ya, of course. We're like, so Singaporean la!" But the waitress, undeterred, proceeded to quiz her somewhat triumphantly (I think she had a bet with her colleague who showed us to our seats), "Both of you?" "Ya." "And you? [looks at me directly] You're Singaporean??" To which my response was "Yes", nodding with an amused/bemused expression. "You go tanning or what?" "No..." "So this is your natural skin colour?" "Ya..." I was quite incredulous at this point. Hahaha. Eventually she took our order, looking quite fascinated, and left us in peace. DOES THIS MEAN I DON'T LOOK SINGAPOREAN? AM I ORANGE AND FAKE-TANNY? DO I LOOK LIKE A NICE BROWN (SUN-)BAKED CHICKEN WING? Whut! What do I look like then?? WOULD A THAI EAT AT THAI EXPRESS??? SERIOUSLY. LOL. Hahaha. Anyway, after dinner when we parted ways, I--secretly purposefully--strolled past the Koi at Iluma to see a ridiculously long queue. Good deterrent. Hahaha.

Japanese class tonight was.. a little boring. I took the chance to rest my head while she was going through the answers for the homework... 'twas about 10 minutes? Hopefully it wasn't disrespectful, but I was really too sleepy. Took a glance through my notes for the kanji test... Keeping my fingers crossed to obtain full marks. Hur. It's been a while. Getting consecutive 19/20s can be quite irritating, although it's probably because I haven't put any effort in this year. Forced Mother to study for today's test--she did awful in the last one--and it seemed to have worked. She should do pretty decently (:

Feeling so fat. (I think I might still be reeling from the effects of ballet with that girl, just like how my girlfriend is, too. I swear I'm actually only normal sized!) Am a little bloated, but it should subside in about a week or two. If the agency were to see me now, they'd send me to the gallows right away. Me: super fat + awfully black, with tanlines + extra horrid, blemished skin + overgrown, out of shape hair = MEGA FAIL. Wait for Thursday, then I might have non-commercial, non-versatile hair. Don't know if that's better or worse. Haha. It's not like they're sending me for any castings anyway. Maybe after I graduate I can become more active and nag them more often.. I can take better care of myself then, too. Stress-free living :D anyhow, I am verrrrrry excited to cut my hair because I've decided that I don't care if they wish to chop off my locks. My only condition is that it must be wash-and-wear with zero maintenance. Hahahaha. No trimming, no blowing, no nothing.

I shall swim tomorrow. Hope the weather holds up.


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